Silence...

(image by Ranjit Swanson)

...does not feel golden right now. it's deafening. confusing. paralyzing.

what i know: *i'm free to leave MBI*i love two things that don't coexist*i am aching to help in Africa

what i don't know:*where to go work*which direction to pursue*whether or not to start applying for Africa

i am pursuing both: *Design, because that's what i do and that's where all my connections are and i really do like it. *Africa, because it's been a burden on my heart for close to a year and half now and its not going away.

the tension of these two polarly opposite worlds is killing me. i don't know what to do. i feel dishonest pursuing design because of this lingering desire to go. but i don't have the clear, "yes, apply for Africa" from God so i'm left pursuing design because that's all i can think to do next. i really really don't want to blow this out of proportion because whatever i do next isn't going to be the end all but i want to be really careful to follow the Lord in obedience. service is useless unless it is done in obedience to His call. i'm fearful of falling into what i may be wrongly perceiving as "a call". but i also can't be so paranoid that i discount what's on my heart leaving me paralyzed. stagnancy, in my opinion, is one of the worst conditions imanginable-it suffocates creativity and development; as time goes by, you become increasingly more difficult to move.

He has so carefully prepared the way for me to leave my current situation, but i have nowhere to land yet and no clue what to focus on. ARG. the days at MBI get longer and more boring by the minute. thankfully, my anger has dissipated; i'm just extremely restless. tensions in the company are rising and two more resignations, of higher-up people, are happening in the next month with 4-5 others planning to leave at first opportunity. that place is going to 'hell in a handbasket'. yikes. the good news is that a new design director got hired :)

i thought i might be able to pursue something random things just as a way to get out but the things i've looked into don't pay the bills. i also thought i could do work that didn't really interest me for a short period of time but i think i would go crazy filing things all day, or whatever it would be...

being jaded by my current experience, i am increasingly fearful as the days tick by that i won't find anything i enjoy-which is just fear speaking (working on that...).

i feel embarassed on some levels that despite how well i thought i knew myself, i have no clue what i want to do. i want to do the Lord's will; i know that! but i can't figure out what that is...

sometimes in life, it seems there are moments when the Lord allows us to choose. what freedom and delight we sense from our Savior in those revelling moments! what pressure-filled panic follows...

i am so aware of my shortcomings as i try to step out in faith. i'm a worrier. i love change; it's refreshing to me but i fear uncertainty. THIS IS SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

[i didn't write this to be a 'downer' sort of post. i am optimistic and encouraged by little things that have been coming my direction. it's just that things become real for me when i record them. i talk myself in circles mentally and the dose of reality is sometimes only spilled out in the form of ink on paper (or type on website :)). the catalyst for change shows up and there's no turnin' back! so, again, thanks for reading]

on to the better version of myself that awaits... :D