it's official

every single time i talk about Africa, i cry-i don't know what my problem is but it's true. tonight at church, we (post college early career group) had a panel discussion with 3 older and wiser people about careers and the life paths we experience. it seems to be an ongoing question for folks my age :) it was great to hear their stories and lots of great questions led to meaty dialogue throughout the evening. afterwards, i went over to Debbie, one of our sponsors, who was talking to one of the gentleman who participated in the panel, to introduce myself and tell the man "thank you". after introductions, he looked at me and said very kindly, "so what's goin' on in your life?" and i lost it. i, instantly, full out became a blubbering, bawling mess...yikes. something's going on i think...
after a tearful 1/2 hour discussion, the latest development from tonight is this...doors are shutting really, really hard in every direction i turn. i have no idea why because it certainly isn't for a lack of trying, looking and being proactive. it certainly isn't for a lack of coming before the beautiful throne of Christ; i think my knees might have bruises on them :) and i have seen changes in my attitude, experienced varied levels of peace, and know that He is shaping and molding my heart after His even though at times it feels so excruciatingly stifiling.
strong iron is never forged without fire. beautiful glass isn't blown without enduring heat.
it's ridiculous sometimes when i think about it. one side of me thinks, "you're too young to be going through anything this intense, emotionally. are you blowing this out of proportion?" and i know that sometimes it is easy to get lost in our own struggles. to lose sight of what else is going on around us. that's why community is so important, not only for support but for the reality check it provides. the accountability there is to not get consumed with ourselves.
yet this is very real to me. i'm a passionate person. i want to do something that makes a difference in the world. i want to give, to serve, to help. and it's ridiculous to me that i'm sitting around counting stupid furniture parts and rotating task chairs. ridiculous.
i'm exhausted. i feel at a stalemate from all angles. like there is literally no where to go and absolutely nothing else i can do. i've done all i know how. i suppose this part of the process is also valuable-because now i am most acutely aware of my weakness; my need; yet also of my Savior's way of meeting me there and being what i cannot possibly ever be or offer to the world. praise God that He doesn't leave us to ourselves. what a disaster this world would be...
so, that being said, i give up. i quit. i will rest in the character and heart of Christ, and let it all go. i must trust that something awaits. i must trust His sovereign timing. i must trust that He is watching over the beautiful souls on a continent far away. and i must trust that He created, knows and loves my heart and all that it desires. tomorrow is a new day, and His mercies are new every morning. this brings me joy and it is that very joy, that i will hold onto while i wait.
so that is my official resolution...i can only pray that it lasts, one day at a time.

having a moment...

...where i really REALLY really wish i was in Africa. it feels like i miss being there but i have yet to step foot on African soil...
my heart just bursts at the thought and to be honest, it seems like a much more worthy way to spend my time, rather than being here trying to figure out what to do with my life.
i miss it. i ache for it. can't describe it...

gift!

i received an email today, from the same professors that recommended the below book, informing me that they were going to pay for an hour's worth of time with their graphic designer so i could get some help updating my portfolio!
so surprised, so grateful, so excited :)
God is good!

Design Like You Give a Damn

a book was recently recommended to me by an old professor that i have found extremely interesting and it tugs at my hearts strings in a big way. it's called Design Like You Give a Damn: Architectural Responses to Humanitarian Crises

it was put together by a non profit organization called Architecture for Humanity and it profiles hundreds of attempted and successful housing solutions for refugees or IDPs (Internally Displaced Persons)

here's a few shocking stats they report:

Of the world's refugees, 49% are female and 47% are children (under 18). [protracted refugee situations, UNHCR, june 2004]

The average duration of major refugee situations has increased from 9 years (1993) to 17 years(2003). [protracted refugee situations, UNHCR, june 2004]

70-80% of all IDP's are women and children. more than 1/2 of all IDP's live in Africa. [internal displacement monitoring centre, norwegian refugee council]

the average length of conflicts that cause displacement and prevent return is 14 years. [internal displacement monitoring centre, norwegian refugee council]

...another good reminder of how blessed we are and how much need still exists...

He is Risen!

Festival of Colors

Holi, in India, is a celebration that happens every year. all across the country, people put normal life aside and a celebration ensues to usher in spring!! this nationwide party, called the festival of colors, includes lots and lots of colored powder that is thrown in the air and smeared all over the people :) its the way that they visually symbolize the beauty and cheer of a new and refeshing season after making it through the winter.

how appropriate that i stumbled onto this today! i was in the apple store playing around with cool gizmos, namely the macbook pro, when i bopped onto the BBC website. after reading about it, i realized it was so fitting to find about it right during easter. despite that its rooted in hindu beliefs, i think about what a celebration Easter is-what a victory!! if life was only expressed through colors, this would be the most joyous and overwhelming of all-death no longer prevails! the gift of life-what inexplicable love, sacrifice and triumph in this blessed weekend.

so often i forget about the victory of life over death because daily, sin rears it's ugly head-clouding my view. yet on this day, some 2000 years ago, a man-the holy Lord himself-redeemed us. LOVE-simply, fully, perfectly LOVE.

**Photos by Brent Lewin and Lindsey Hebberd and unknown**

Why are Pencils Yellow?

"During the 1800s, American pencil makers wanted a special way to tell people that their pencils contained Chinese graphite, since the best graphite in the world came from China. To do this, they called upon color!
The color meaning and symbolism of yellow in China is that of royalty and respect. American pencil manufacturers referred to this color symbolism and began painting their pencils bright yellow to communicate this "regal" feeling and association with China.
The rest, as they say, is history.
Today, 75% of the pencils sold in the United States are painted yellow, even though most people today aren't aware of the meaning and symbolism behind the color." source

glorious

lemonade and dreams

so laura and i have been trying to figure out what to put in our kitchen and what color to paint the wall. we had a flower picture up for a while and just couldn't settle on the right accent paint color. but last night we found the artwork of our dreams for our cute little kitchen! we still have to paint the wall but now we just have to find the right shade of white instead of a color. and to simulate what that might be like, we decided to tape our entire wall with white computer paper. not the best representation but it makes a huge difference to see if the art will actually work with white rather than the gray/green we have now. (we're moving the painting up about 6-8 inches too, so if it feels too low-you're right and we're gonna fix that)

don't knock our method...it works and it accomplished what we needed it to!

oh yes, the sophisticated design tactics we employ...

"it costs nothing to dream and everything not to" (that's what's on the art)

"if you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning "good morning" at total strangers."-Maya Angelou

"i love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection."-thomas paine

the perfect friday night

1. sun still shining when i leave work
2. singing at the top of my lungs on the way home
3. long run through town and down by the water
4. warm shower, jeans, sweatshirt
5. barnes & noble and coffee
6.a million books...
...couldn't be happier...

...yeah...

i realize things have been pretty quiet on here the last week or so. laura's little sister is visiting-so i've been busy having fun with the crumly girls :)

...and i'm pretty sure that i don't even know how to formulate what's been going on in my heart/mind lately-a million thoughts each day about what life holds, what the Lord has in store, how i should approach each day and what i'm going to do next...

this week has been supremely better than the last several which has been great! my attitude is better and the work load hasn't been so heavy. no telling what next week holds, or even tomorrow, but i'm takin' every blessing that comes my way and giving it a HUGE squeeze :)

my crazy self will be back soon, i hope, but in the meantime if you have any brilliant suggestions for what you see as a 'perfect' job for me, i'm listening. sometimes when you're so involved in a situation, it's hard to think outside the box...so if you're outside my box and have a different perspective, let it be heard....

"Seldom, surely, is the psychological part of an apprearance in nature so great as it is in the case of color. No one can encounter it and stay neutral. We are immediately, instinctively, and emotionally moved. We have sympathy or antipathy, pleasure or disapproval within us as soon as we perceive colors." -Ulrich Beer

some miscellaneous memories

skimboarding in santa cruz


bonfire @ golden gardens-janelle and the conehead :)

the most kickbutt volleyball crew ever-we played probably 15 hours a week-dreamboat!

i dragged callie to the car show-ha-we were so hot in that car!

i think it was really late and we had been studying for a while (or at least that's the story i'm going with...)

this pictures SOOO encompasses our personalities, huh jo?!

...i'm sure there will be more to follow. i've started down memory lane and I LOVE IT...a few more of the thousands of remaing pictures will show up sporratically :)

confirmation

this weekend i got confirmation. it was both good and bad. i have been desperately searching for a new job and panicking a little bit. my work life is not going well at all and i've been lookin' for an out-ASAP. i've found a handful of jobs i wanted to apply for but felt sorta bad applying because i know it would be just awful to walk out on MBI right now. i hate that i'm confined there because of obligation. i hate that i'm left in this position but i also got clear confirmation this weekend that i'm to stay until things have calmed down.
this is good....because at least i know what i'm supposed to do for hopefully only another 8-12 weeks or so. it's good because i'm not as urgent in my job searching now. and it's good because there's a lot to be said for patience and self-sacrifice for God's kingdom. that's why i'm here on earth anyway-and if He is best served by me staying for a bit longer-then i'd rather be there than somewhere else of my own volition.
this is bad...because it's sunday night and i just want to puke at the thought of going in at 6am tomorrow to finish a project and having to do this for 8-12 more weeks. it's also bad because i'm getting a really up close and personal glimpse of the ugly corners of my heart.
so...i'm going to do my very best to choose joy. to work for Christ and no one else. and to go out with a bang when the timing is right. i can't guarantee that i'll be 100% successful (in fact, i know i won't be) but it's worth trying for, right?!
today, i took a long walk to the beach-walking, praying, listening. then i took a nap on a big log while i sunbathed and was dreaming again about all that i love: color, Africa, service, humanitarian work, friends and family, sun, beach, church, etc. i was struck with such a humble realization of how blessed i am despite how hard things have been and continue to be right now. this doesn't negate the realness of my struggle but it sure gives me a little more perspective.
gosh, it's amazing what sort of chapters life takes us through. it's been a long 8 months and i'm hopeful that blue skies are on the horizon. until then, i will continue to do my best to wear a smile and see God in the everyday.

I saw God today

there's a new single out called "i saw God today" by George Straight. i really really like the words...check it out.

Just walked down the street to the coffee shop
Had to take a break
I've been by her side for 18 hours straight
Saw a flower growing in the middle of a sidewalk
Pushing up through the concrete
Like it was planted right there for me to see
The flashing lights, the honking horns
All seemed to fade away
In the shadow of that hospital at 508
I saw God today.

Chorus:I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here but I don't look
Near as often as I should (Yeah I know I should)
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today.

Saw a couple walking by
They were holding hands
Man she had that glow
Yeah I couldn't help but notice she was starting to show
Stood there for a minute taking in the sky
Lost in that sunset
A splash of amber melted into shades of red.

Chorus:I've been to church
I've read the book
I know he's here but I don't look
Near as often as I should (Yeah I know I should)
His fingerprints are everywhere
I just slowed down to stop and stare
Opened my eyes and man I swear
I saw God today.

Got my face pressed up against the nursery glass
She's sleeping like a rock
My name on her wrist wearing tiny pink socks
She's got my nose, she's got her mamas eyes
My brand new baby girl
She's a miracle
I saw God today...