STILL under my umbrella...ella....ella....ella????

REALLY ready to switch from this kind of umbrella...ella...ella...ellato this kind of umbrella...ella...ella...ella

just thought i'd share :D

shades of gray

(image by Cathy Woo)

one of the more random and valuable skills you learn after living in the NW for a bit, is the art of distinguishing shades of gray (by the way, 'grey' vs 'gray' is a british vs american sort of thing, just an fyi-didn't know that until today...). yesterday, i was at one of my favorite parks, Sunset Hill, and the expansive view was entirely achromatic. it was shade after shade after shade of gray. and it was gorgeous.

the sea was a murky, tin-colored gray, while the clouds ranged from barely gray to elephant-skin gray to graphite gray, leaving the mountains to present themselves a strong, cool 'blue-steel' gray (no, not the zoolander pose...). white mountain caps and boats sails pristinely glistened against the subtle backdrop.

life is like that too sometimes. all sorts of shades of gray. lots of questions. not always a clear answer. pristine moments of clarity and then back into the sea of gray. yet there is a comfort in the shades of gray. it's a place that allows space for movement, development. saturday, i finally decided to wait on applying for Africa. as much as i ache to be there and think about it all the time, it feels forced and unnatural right now. i can clearly pin-point some areas of my life in need of further refinement that would make my experience in Africa different than if i were to go now. there will always be ways we are refined and we'll never be 'perfectly' ready but i think God is calling me to wait a bit longer and to be more intentional about how i live my life.

bethany community church has this inscribed in our old chapel and it's a motto that drives what we value as a community: in essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity. i love it because it leaves room for the shades of gray we will inevitably encounter thoughout life.

so as i look to stay here in the US for a bit longer, i am still ambiguous about where to land...i have a meeting over at NBBJ this tuesday and may submit my application after that depending on how it goes. still open to working in design and to not working in design-i don't know-shades of gray.

last night i found this amazing non-profit organization called Indego Africa. they seek to bring the arts/crafts of African nations to the US.

indigo cloth is common in many parts of africa but as you'll notice, it's spelled a bit differently. 'indego' is a compilation of 3 words that make up the mission of this organization: 'in'dependence, 'de'velopment, 'go'vernance.

"Indego Africa Project is a partnership between African communities and volunteers committed to alleviating poverty and chronic unemployment in Africa by providing reliable income, developing job skills, and affording access to export markets, with the goal of creating and supporting sustainable businesses. And in the process, bringing Africa closer to you!"

they have a pretty cool website and are making a HUGE difference in the lives of so many African women! that makes me smile :D

Silence...

(image by Ranjit Swanson)

...does not feel golden right now. it's deafening. confusing. paralyzing.

what i know: *i'm free to leave MBI*i love two things that don't coexist*i am aching to help in Africa

what i don't know:*where to go work*which direction to pursue*whether or not to start applying for Africa

i am pursuing both: *Design, because that's what i do and that's where all my connections are and i really do like it. *Africa, because it's been a burden on my heart for close to a year and half now and its not going away.

the tension of these two polarly opposite worlds is killing me. i don't know what to do. i feel dishonest pursuing design because of this lingering desire to go. but i don't have the clear, "yes, apply for Africa" from God so i'm left pursuing design because that's all i can think to do next. i really really don't want to blow this out of proportion because whatever i do next isn't going to be the end all but i want to be really careful to follow the Lord in obedience. service is useless unless it is done in obedience to His call. i'm fearful of falling into what i may be wrongly perceiving as "a call". but i also can't be so paranoid that i discount what's on my heart leaving me paralyzed. stagnancy, in my opinion, is one of the worst conditions imanginable-it suffocates creativity and development; as time goes by, you become increasingly more difficult to move.

He has so carefully prepared the way for me to leave my current situation, but i have nowhere to land yet and no clue what to focus on. ARG. the days at MBI get longer and more boring by the minute. thankfully, my anger has dissipated; i'm just extremely restless. tensions in the company are rising and two more resignations, of higher-up people, are happening in the next month with 4-5 others planning to leave at first opportunity. that place is going to 'hell in a handbasket'. yikes. the good news is that a new design director got hired :)

i thought i might be able to pursue something random things just as a way to get out but the things i've looked into don't pay the bills. i also thought i could do work that didn't really interest me for a short period of time but i think i would go crazy filing things all day, or whatever it would be...

being jaded by my current experience, i am increasingly fearful as the days tick by that i won't find anything i enjoy-which is just fear speaking (working on that...).

i feel embarassed on some levels that despite how well i thought i knew myself, i have no clue what i want to do. i want to do the Lord's will; i know that! but i can't figure out what that is...

sometimes in life, it seems there are moments when the Lord allows us to choose. what freedom and delight we sense from our Savior in those revelling moments! what pressure-filled panic follows...

i am so aware of my shortcomings as i try to step out in faith. i'm a worrier. i love change; it's refreshing to me but i fear uncertainty. THIS IS SO HARD TO FIGURE OUT.

[i didn't write this to be a 'downer' sort of post. i am optimistic and encouraged by little things that have been coming my direction. it's just that things become real for me when i record them. i talk myself in circles mentally and the dose of reality is sometimes only spilled out in the form of ink on paper (or type on website :)). the catalyst for change shows up and there's no turnin' back! so, again, thanks for reading]

on to the better version of myself that awaits... :D

this is the only picture of the weekend in Portland visiting Callie and Brandon-yikes! how unusual... if not for this weekend, I would have had to wait until June to see them (shock!) so of course i opted for now :)

(just as a side note, in light of my last post, it actually did snow the entire drive down between tacoma and vancouver-ridiculous)

as always, the delgrosso's are so accomodating and comfortable to be around. i even get my own queen size blow up mattress-my friends spoil me...

Callie had Mo on saturday, so we buzzed to-and-from their apartment and the condo, inbetween nap times, with a few stops at various resale shops (clothing and architectural parts-not in the same store, of course!). mostly we just made uncomprehensible sounds and crazy expressions to entertain Mo [p.s. he's ADORABLE].

sunday, i woke up to the smell of coffee brewing and bacon sizzling on the stovetop-not bad! after some breakfast bagel sandwiches, we headed to Mosaic, their church. SOUL FOOD. it was excellent! the worship was raw, the teaching was convicting and thought-inspiring, and i met some really nice people (one of whom is connected closely to AIM-an organization i'm seriously considering working with when my chance to go over to Africa arrives!).

after swinging by chipotle on the way home for delicious burrito bols, we had rich conversation and prayer time back at the home pad. their presence is sweet fellowship!

i quickly stopped to refuel before hitting the road and for as many times as i've been to Oregon, you would think i'd be used to letting someone else pump my gas. i'm not. it's weird to me, every time, that these people don't pump their own gas! oh well. no one asked me.

as my car edged upwards from 40 to 50 to 60mph merging from I-84 east to I-5 northbound, i felt the rush of freedom. the open road is like a playground for my gypsie soul and wandering mind. some of the most intimate moments with my Savior have come during drives like this. however, my only expectation for the trip was to not run into snow; please, no snow!

the good news is that the brilliant blue sky was only partly covered with some puffy, white thunderclounds swollen with moisture and threatening to break at any second. but i think when i stubbornly whipped out my sunglasses, they got too scared and held themselves together :)

2 1/2 hours later, i whizzed around the last curve in the sinuous highway only to have my breath taken away by The Emerald City. water sparkling, boats aplenty, trees bashfully budding, and green hillsides brazenly helping us to earn the nickname we've been given. what a great place to live!

ridiculous

i can't believe that i'm wearing my WINTER coat and it's snowing outside; yep, that's right-the wet white stuff that is beautiful around Christmas time, BUT NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF APRIL, is coming down from the sky.
i have officially turned into a wimp since leaving Colorado 6 years ago but i don't think i really have-i just NEED sun, i LOVE sun, it's THE RIGHT TIME OF THE YEAR for sun....is that too much to ask?

last minute i'm heading to portland early saturday morning for the weekend :) excited to get out of town and see my favorite Portland residents!!

I have a million thoughts running through my head right now. It’s hard to know where to start. This last few months has been life changing, to say the least. Contrary to popular thought, it has been really good. It’s, no doubt, been one of the hardest things I’ve gone through, for a couple reasons (and I’m not entirely certain it’s over yet).
First, I’m young and new to the whole concept of career. And as Colbie Caillat puts it, “it’s tough gettin' older”. There’s no way that anybody can really explain all the scenarios you might run into professionally; anything from business ethics to frantic deadlines to mind-numbing paperwork. You kinda just have to live it. That doesn’t bode well with a ‘be-in-control’ sort of person…(I’m learning, I’m learning)
Second, some people live to work and others work to live. I think I land somewhere in between. A job can be just a job that pays the bills-and thank God we have opportunity to be employed and use our talents. I recently asked an acquaintance about his experience in Africa; he mentioned that the hardest thing for him to deal with was seeing the talents of many people not being utilized. The economy is so bad in a lot of countries that people can’t work even if they want to. And many desperately want to. This is a humbling reminder, for those of us gainfully employed, to be grateful for the privilege of working.
I suppose it is a life-long, ever-shifting sort of process--trying to figure out “what I’m supposed to with my life”--As much as I would like to struggle and search and then have a “eureka!!” moment, it doesn’t seem to make much sense that it would be decided once-and-for-all. Impossible. We change too much. Life changes too much.
When I first started job hunting, I was pretty focused on staying within the design community if I was to be domestically located. Then I started to try to combine design with humanitarian aid, as the need to be serving abroad began knocking at my front door more persistently. And as of this week, it seems that my heart has been released from attachment to design altogether. I’m not opposed to design, at all. I did study it for four years, you know :) I still love aspects of it, I’m just not stuck on it as my only career field anymore.
I simply have had a noted shift in the attitude of my heart the last 3 days. Unexpected. Yet accompanied by peace. I am ready for anything (I think). My heart for humanitarian aid and service is taking over as the knock at the door grows increasingly louder. I’m not convinced that right now is the time for me to go abroad and that’s ok. Africa will still be there when it is time. But for the first time since this saga began, my heart is settled with the thought of doing something outside of my expectations. I am slowly opening my hand and realizing that God’s creativity FAR exceeds that of my own mind (even if that means just working at Starbucks for a while or something…)
For months now, I’ve been praying for the opportunity to explain to the two other designers what I was thinking. Normally, I wouldn’t be so concerned about warning the company of my departure and it sometimes isn’t even smart to say things too early; but because we’re under-staffed, and because I’m not wanting to throw people into a panic with departure news, I wanted to be able to ‘warn’ them. I care about the other two designers as people outside of our work situation, and we’re all pretty fragile right now. About a week and a half ago, I was able to speak with one of the gals. She was really supportive and totally understanding. Surprised but understanding. (I don’t know why she was surprised-I must be better at hiding it than I thought!) Today, the Lord opened the door to talk with the other one-AH! She was also surprised and panicked for a minute before I told her that I wasn’t up and quitting tomorrow. But after a few minutes of explaining where I was coming from, she also was very, very supportive. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH—I feel so much better now that they know! I’m so grateful for their support too!
I’ve been praying for guidance on how and when to leave, and what to leave for-what would be next? The Lord has slowly been releasing me of this obligation to MBI: first, I had to get over my anger at the situation and frustrations with some of the personnel. As I’ve been able to move past that, by God’s grace, I’ve felt increased freedom to look for jobs. Next, I felt obligated to stay until they got our department re-staffed, and we were back on our feet. I know sometimes it takes longer than expected to do that but I’ve also seen a lack of effort from those in charge, thus I feel released from my obligation to ‘tide them over’ because little effort is being made to remedy the situation. Last, I wanted to warn my department. I was so shocked when the design director quit. And with all of us working really hard to keep things going right now, I wanted to be open in communication with the other designers so they wouldn’t be offended; and so that we would have more time to figure something out if we needed to.
As of today, I feel totally guilt-free about leaving for what might be next. I have waited, sometimes patiently, and on most days-impatiently (part of the growing process…). My heart’s been painfully refined in areas as the daily grind continued. The Lord has been faithful to open communication doors that I saw as a necessity because of those I care about; and my heart is at peace with the idea of departure, finally. :) (that's a sideways, smiley grin)
I don’t have any set plans still but I’m considering a ton more options now. My view has broadened. My expectations are loose. My heart is soaring at thought of what might be just around the corner (for a minute, I slipped into singing Pocahontas’ “just around the river bend…”) sorry, I digressed into the jukebox-of-a-mind that I have…
…So if you made it to the end of this, congratulations and thank you! This turned out to be more verbose than anticipated. Thanks for reading and letting me spill my heart. It’s not over yet but I feel as though a gigantic milestone was just crossed and things can only look up from here :)

more nicole and james...

(the ship locks on Friday night-i seriously can't think of a more beautiful city than seattle when the sun is shining)

Part 2

friday we met andy (janelle's husband) for lunch downtown at Specialty's and then went SHOPPING:)
*the Dalai Lama was in town this week, as well as Desmond Tutu, for a conference on peace and compassion-we happened to come out of Macy's right when his car procession went by and this is the only picture i could snap in time :( (i also might add that he about ran me over-yikes!)*

the weather was getting really nice on friday so we stopped in for slurpees like the good old days...james has the zoolander pose down perfectly, i look awkward and laura looks cute, as usual!
Mt. Rainier was 'out' :) pretty sky!!

saturday morning we had a delicious breakfast at Jay and Trisha's house and then hopped over to Volunteer Park on Capitol Hill to watch Andy's bike race. it was amazing to watch all these cyclists ride around the same 1/2 mile loop for 1 hour all-the-while getting trapped in 'the pack' and making moves towards the front of 'the pack' and bike crashes around corners and they were going SO FAST the whole time. i think i got dizzy one time when they went by...

-andy's in the middle, closest to us, in the black red and white jersey-

(photo by laura) (photo by laura)

(photo by laura) (photo by laura)

-this is what a portion of the rest of the park looks like-it was about 75 degrees and sunny; there were snow-capped mountains both to the east (Cascades) and west (Olympics) with water and beautiful trees in between (like i said before, one of the most beautiful cities in the world!) sportin' it...
Sunday goodbye's

NICOLE & JAMES-day 1

they've arrived!! tonight, nicole and i went to hi-life for happy hour pizza's while we waited for the other girls to finish their obligations for the day. then we rendezvoused at our house for much goodness: wine, cheese, chocolate fondue, strawberries, bananas, and grapes-we had delighted palettes and big bellies afterwards :)

as usual, with this group, we delved into topics such as the spread of HIV over in Africa, the ABC program in Uganda, PEPFAR, theological insights and frustrations at PTS (Princeton Theological Seminary), the Olympics, China/Tibet tensions, protests in San Fran, the inevitable political implications of the Olympics being held in Beijing, Global World Health Alliance, color and culture/healthcare, healthcare theory, and the unending "what are we working towards in our lives?" question...FABULOUS

-proof that we're all together (minus Kristen who was the only responsible one going to work the next day and left for bed); Janelle missed the memo to wear grey :) and let's just say it was late-don't hold it against us....(the other attempt at a good picture resulted in all of us with double-chins-ha!)

Today i saw a truck with this on it:

Sprague-Pest Control Since 1926

:)

KANSAS and Ski Ball

monday night was a GREAT basketball game...and i got to watch it with about 60 other people at Richard's house (our pastor is so brave to be hosting 60 'young adults'). this is the second annual party of it's kind and involved bbqing, a lot of smack talk between fans with opposing loyalties and good ole fashioned fun! we usually split things up to be on two floors because Richard's house is small, and i ended up downstairs with the more obnoxious fans and bigger tv :) i also happened to be in the minority as a Kansas fan (i am loyal to my roots-shout out to mom!)-so, as any self-respecting sassy young woman, i threw my fair share of 'smack talk' back at those overly confident memphis fans despite the fact that basketball is probably the sport that i know the least about-ha! it was also hilarious that for most of the game, Richard was sitting in the row behind me SHOUTING play by play's as a memphis fan. all i have to say is that Kansas prevailed, as any sturdy midwestern team would, and there was even one point where i leaped up from the couch, purely as a reaction to one of the plays and literally almost hit my head on the ceiling-yikes. let's just say it was the best sort of championship game you could ask for: neck-and-neck the whole way through!

afterwards i scooted back over to ballard to celebrate a friend's birthday with some people. we had great fun and ended the night by playin' a little ski ball. i seriously can't remember the last time i played this game-it's so fun!

that's matt-the birthday boy-ripe old age of 23-ah, back in the day...

4 things

1. i love them so much
2. we're all in my favorite city together :)
3. brother is actually smiling normally and not making a weird face (it's one to save for the archives)
4. since when did i get long, monkey arms?

Green with our Groceries

the front of today's papers were splashed with the news that Mayor Greg Nickels proposed a 'green fee' for disposable grocery bags, starting in January 2009.

I LOVE THIS!!!

you can read the full story but here are some bullet points if you don't want to:

-plastic bags just suck-you can reuse them for things like lunches or trash or whatever but they still end up in a landfill somewhere because they don't break down ever

-paper bags are much better because they do break down but it still uses trees and at the rate we go through bags, we could never grow trees to keep up

-we would be the first city in the U.S. to implement anything like this :)

-there is no reason not to have reusable grocery bags, regardless of where you live, as so many stores offer them (i.e. trader joes, whole foods, etc) -- if we're being really honest, any bag you have or could purchase that is able to hold anything would work-so really there are no excuses...

-i think it's going to explode into a fashion trend if i do say so myself...[people are always looking for the hot, new accessory and because environmental things are at the forefront, i surmise that it will be promoted excessively by all markets. it is both earth-conscious and potentially lucrative]

-just in case you're still doubtful about the entire thing, here are a few examples of cute bags you could use :)

-i have the one on the right--this one takes a more literal approach and slightly nautical spin-

-my personal favorite (other colors available & it can be purchased here)-

*p.s. don't forget that Earth Day is April 22nd*

**p.p.s. April 21-27 is Turn Off the TV Week-give it a shot!**

*i totally stole this from another blog-an amazing quote![to the source: thank you for sharing :)]*

Perfection in outward conduct consists not in extraordinary things; but in doing common things extraordinarily well. Neglect nothing; the most trivial action may be performed to ourselves, or performed to God. If love be in your heart, your whole life may be one continual exercise of it. Oh, if we did but love others! How easily the least thing, the shutting of a door gently, the walking softly, speaking low, not making a noise, or the choice of a seat, so as to leave the most convenient to others, might become occasions of its exercise.
-MÈRE ANGÉLIQUE ARNAULD

thank you

i came home to a package that had no return address. this is what i found inside...the note is unsigned and says "it's not exactly a 'professional' color magazine, but it made me think of you. hope you have a wonderful day!"
not really sure who it's from, and unfortunately i'm not a handwriting specialist. also, i have no idea if this person even reads the blog but just in case, because i have no other way of tracking them down or communicating this, i wanted to say "thank you"-what a pleasant surprise; it was lovely of you to be so thoughtful :)