"tender heart in a blender"

(photo by Little Caper)
it's hard to know where to start. i've had so many emotions running through my heart and mind over the last two months preparing for this change and no less severe is the current of those emotions on the eve of my departure. my bags are packed. my storage unit is organized and locked. i've been to goodwill three times and to the dump once. i've also been elbow-deep in dust, packing tape, memories and mood swings. never have i appreciated lotion more than in the last four days. never have i felt such a tension between grieving and dreaming.

yet i am grateful. grateful that we were created with the capacity for these emotions. grateful to leave with a full heart. grateful for the unbelievable love and support awaiting in CO. and grateful for the wrestling.

it's hard. it's painful at moments. it brings tears of joy and excitment. it brings tears of relief. it brings tears of grief. grief for the ways that i could have loved others better during my time here. grief for the challenge of this last year. [now i'm crying..sorry...at least, i'm writing this otherwise you all would be seeing my tear-stained cheeks, snotty nose and quivering lip-ha. not pretty, i guarantee you!]

all that said, tears are good. healthy. cleansing. closure is good. you have no idea how intimately you've been connected to people, impacted them or been influenced by them until you decide to leave. humbling to say the least. it feels like i've said that word so many times over the last month but i can't think of another that encapsulates all the recent Eureka! moments-you realize in the fullest sense that everything you have and everyone around you is not a result of what you've done but rather a gift from the Father of Lights. it is entirely accredited to the blood of Jesus Christ and His grace. yep, humbling, huh?!

i didn't know that i needed people as much as i do. i didn't know that community can be so beautiful. i look forward to that in CO. with my family. with my friends. with new friends. and i look forward to that continuing with those in seattle...and PA, OR, NJ, IL...or wherever else it may crop up-how wonderful that community isn't dictated by geography!! i want to keep learning about that. about how to engage, to share life, to hear your heart and share mine.

my mind is reeling with some possibilities that were presented to me out of the blue on wednesday after church. 6 weeks in austria this summer, working on a farm...for some family friends of my pastor; a position at World Vision working in the International Programs department with the Africa team...; i'm on overload. i can't process it. i'm lost with how to interpret the timing of it....seriously?! two days before i drive out of town to a new chapter that i'm finally really excited about....seriously?! after over a year of wrestling and searching for opportunities just exactly like this?...

i hestitated to even mention them...because at the rate my life is going and with how quickly things feel like they're changing, both may fall through. both may become realistic options. don't know. but i decided to mention it because i'm learning a lot about faith. about stepping out in faith towards things that aren't in "the plan". about trusting the timing and sovereignty of God both in engaging with opportunities and passing them up. about how varied, unconventional and beautiful our stories can develop to be if we're up for the ride!

i can't wait to be in CO. i can't wait to give my dad a hug tonight when he gets here to drive home with me. i can't wait to give my mom a hug, on saturday, that will make us both inevitably cry. i can't wait for my sister to crawl into bed with me on sunday morning to just chat for a few minutes before the day begins. i can't wait to sip coffee across the table from my childhood best friend. i can't wait for sunshine. i can't wait to see my mountain every morning. the list goes on...

i can't wait for this new chapter. how ever long it lasts. for whatever is accomplished-much or little. i just want to be present. i want to soak it in.

so i'm ok with my heart being in the blender tonight. it's movement and God is so present in the movement. so i'll sigh deeply, shed a tear or two more tonight, and smile.

all my love. to near and far. you are held delightfully cherished in my heart tonight.

"You Can Count On Me, I'll Be Your Friend"

this past weekend, i had 2 going away parties! all of my favorite people were together having a great time! the 1st party was hosted by my dear friends Robyn, Tara and Kyara. all of my church friends came together to celebrate!

-the party entrance-

-cupcakes & kahlua cake-
-the Gregory's; they are the mentors for our post college ministy team and just plain wonderful people!-

-phil-

-jason, jess, braden, zach-

-robyn-

-she is one of my favorites!-

-dave took so many photos that night; what a trooper!-

-brian-

-megan, laura, eli, ben-

-kristen, megan, eli, ben, john-

-my girls! robyn, kyara, kristen, jess, emily k, anna, tara-

-kyara-

-roomates!-

-maren and bree-

-eli and john- -robyn, brian and tara-

-evan and megan-

-megan-

-evan-

-kyara and jennie!-

-kenny-

-kenny and laura-

-these faces are so funny! dave and brian-

-kristen and nacole-

-zach and kyara-

-meghann and kyara-

-we went out to the Ballroom afterwards; robyn and dave-

-nacole and megan-

-amy--these are my new boots!! my first pair of cowboy boots, after all these years. vintage. delicious. and all mine :D-

-megan, amy, tara, kristen-

-nacole, megan, tara, robyn, kristen, amy-

the next morning i made one last stop into my favorite breakfast joint-Portage Bay Cafe

-zach, kyara, nacole-

-jason, tara and robyn-

-nacole, tara, robyn and kyara-

- zach and jason; i look like an awkward middle-schooler afraid of boys with cooties-ha!-

-our outfits color-coordinated...not planned. that's also NOT my hand on jason's arm. it's his. deceiving, i know.-

-tara!-

-life together. love it.-

-read the motto of portage bay on the mug.-

-i love me some coffee...mmmm-

-one big happy family; robyn, kyara and zach-

-these are the flowers that the Gregory's gave me! beautiful.-

-amazing notes of encouragement-

-laura took this one. love it.-

monday night, i had a 2nd party! lucky girl. this was more of th SPU crowd. i can't remember the last time i've laughed so hard-my cheeks and stomach were aching by the end of the night!

-laura and kristen-

-brandon and travis-

-this is for Les, who was missing in presence but not in spirit!-

-kyle and amy; sweet amy being totally normal~kyle and i, we're weird!-

-can't imagine my life without them-

-amy! one of my best friends and my accountability partner-

-jeremy and maren!-

i am leaving with a very full heart. i am blessed with amazing friends. don't forget me, i'll be back to visit!!

OR weekend-FINALLY!

thank you for your patience!! here's GOBS of pictures from the weekend in OR with Callie and Sarah.

-valentine's day breakfast made for us by Brandon, Callie's husband; complete with heart shaped pancakes!-

-sarah's first glimpses of the coast!-
-i could see this everyday and never get tired of it. ever.-

-ah! the beach :D-

-i love the ocean!-

-crazy hair. it was windy!-

-strolling through the art galleries, stores and a stop in at the best pizza shop-

-Manzanita-

-rugged NW coast-

-i love the sun on the water in this one-

-the ocean was crazy that day-

-jellyfish-

-seagull and seafoam-

-back on the road again!-

-Hug Point-

-oh i love these girls!-

-mmmm, coast-

-sarah wanted to forge a trail; callie was excited...-

-there were some gnarly bushes-

-we had the most amazing fondue dinner that night-

-chocolate caramel for dessert-

-daily stop at starbucks the next day; i think this is my favorite photo-

-callie found this divine little cupcake shop for us to go to!-

-Columbia River Gorge: Day 3-

-we almost blew away-

-Multnomah Falls-

-this is for jo. but we look silly because we were not only being stared at weirdly but someone had tried to take our picture and barely gotten us in the frame...we were dying!-

-Brandon also sent us to get pedicures on our last day!-

THANKS FOR A FUN WEEKEND, GIRLS!

COLOR :)

Hannah tipped me off to this blog-creative decorating on a budget. She talks about color :) and the importance of how it affects your mood, especially in the application of your home!
Thanks, Hannah! :D i will be checking this regularly. (i've added it to my blogroll on the side if you're interested in following it too!)

last day @ work

this is the bouquet that tom and debbie gave me! in every way, it captured the essence of me. my favorite color is pink and every shade, from baby pink to bubblegum pink.

it also includes all 3 of my favorite flowers: tulip, gerber daisy, lilies.

i can't stop looking at it or smelling it!

-work ended so well. i am grateful. i didn't shed a single tear. i had sweet moments with coworkers. i was able to send an 'exit statement' to the owner about both the successes and challenges of this experience. i felt so much closure. i also walked out ELATED that i will never walk back in that building as an employee. maybe a visitor, but never an employee! thanks for journeying with me through the last year that was so diffucult. i'm on to a new chapter and new directions for my life! praise God.-

i miss you!!!

(taken on Cannon Beach, OR)

this last week was the longest length of time that i have not been in touch since i started blogging! and i missed you!! i literally have been running from morning until night trying to squeeze all kinds of things into the schedule, amidst a stressful last week at work (did i mention it was my LAST week?! more on that later... :D)...and i didn't even have time to read most of your blogs, or return emails, or make phone calls-so i have no idea what you all are doing! :(

i promise to get caught up soon. you've been on my mind. i have much to share-a DIVINE weekend in Portland, closing thoughts about work, more thoughts about leaving/arriving...i'll catch up soon. thanks for still checking in-you are the reason i love to blog, to share my life and get a glimpse of yours.

the last 4 months, i've been learning a lot about community from a lot of really wonderful people i've met. i've realized this last week that even though it's the cyber version, this is part of my community. a BIG part of staying in touch. hearing your heart. sharing mine. not to mention, i never seem to be short of words and love to write :)

i hope you feel the same way about it-whether you read my blog, write your own, comment or don't comment...it doesn't matter. it's all cherished. i want you here, more than you know, even if you're just silently observing.

"I am a part of all that I have met." -Alfred Tennyson

hello.
i have a lot to tell you.
i've been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately.
& this week is INSANE.
but i'm thinking about all of you.
loving all of you.
and will be in touch soon.
oh, and i'll post GOBS of photos...
stay tuned.

leaving-bleh.

6 days of work left :D (the designers too me out to an italian restaurant downtown last night-SUPER fun...great food. we sat at a table that had 2 different views of the skyscrapers and the bustling crowds below...it was awesome!)
1 weekend in portland ahead (can't wait to see Callie and Sarah!!)
14 total more days in seattle :(

i can't believe how quickly everything is coming!
i've been crying a lot at the thought of moving...
i know it will be good.
and absence makes the heart grow fonder.
maybe i'll just realize how much i actually do love seattle by being gone.
maybe i'll be fine once i get to CO.
don't know.
can't figure it out yet.
trying to soak it all in with every ounce of me!

~i have the most amazing friends, just so you all know.
that's why i keep crying, and crying, and crying.~

but i already bought my 1st plane ticket back for the last weekend of march-ha. so it won't be too long before i return for a visit :)

Mt. Baker Weekend

i spent this weekend with some of the most wonderful people in one of the prettiest locations in the NW-Mt. Baker! we had absolutely perfect weather and spent a lot of time having fun.

tara, robyn, jason and i went on a short hike-steep but short. it ended at this beautiful lookout. we spent an hour laughing, jumping, soaking in the sun, and sharing our hearts.

-Special K-

best picture EVER-ha!
ok, this is just hilarious...jason is trying so hard and i got some hops-woot!

this picture, everything about it, makes me belly laugh....especially, the Special K! HAHA.

we finally all got up in the air together at the same time!

tara's face is killing me...robyn described it as "she must have just spotted a bear!"

ro & me

nature woman!

love these girls-true soul friends. i'll miss them desperately!

the view was incredible!more view-mt. baker

just around the river bend... ...was this! :D

friends on a log

ah, couldn't get enough of her beauty!

balancing a long tipsy tree-no one fell, which is good because the water was COLD.

tara!

art walk, pioneer square

tonight i did one of my favorite things to do in seattle: art walk! this town has the most diverse and comprehensive art community you'll find west of NYC (in my opinion). it's so inspiring. this one was down in pioneer square. not only was it an amazing venue but i went with some of my dearest friends!

out front #1-do you like this one better?

out front 2-or this one?
i like #1 for the lighting and signs but i like the movement of the people in the 2nd one...

this is the outside of a very tall skinny building-6 floors of art studios...i felt like i was in a back neighborhood of brooklyn walking through there....so hip/edgy/artsy

this is what we climbed on the inside, starting from the top and working our way down

each floor had doorways into 5-6 other studios; this was by far the most ornamental door

(that's robyn and tara on their way in!)

one of my favorite collections

another door-LOVING the lime green :D

probably my favorite solo piece-this one feels like it's so me...swirls, colors, playful..mmmm-

i could stare at that all night and never get bored. dear sweet friends: erin and tara

(there was a sweet wall-size yellow & blue painting behind us that you can see a sliver of)

another cool door-faux aged and set against that delicious lime :)

tara and i got claustrophobic on floor 2 of the 6-we almost made it from the top all the way down...but ended up skirting outside to get some space...ah, breathe deeply...

then i got kinda artsy/urban with my shots...i'm not great at night shots-let me know what you think...i was kinda likin' all the movement of the passing cars against the static scooters (ha...see now i'm gettin' all artsy in my talk too!) i hate the light from the building behind reflecting off the mirror of the yellow scooter but...

i love how i completely unintentionally caught the lit windows of the building in the side mirror of the other scooter :)

the heart of pioneer square-always busy at night

another main street in the neighborhood

we went to grab some hot tea at the cafe in the basement of my favorite bookstore

~this is probably my favorite shot of the night-i love the retro font of the sign letters...oh, and the yummy pastries! ~

i hope you enjoyed the art walk :D...let me know which ones were your favorites!

sunset hill park

this place settles my soul. bad day, good day, normal day-it's a great place to be. it's high on a ridge above the BEACH, overlooking the OCEAN with the backdrop of MOUNTAINS. you can't find many locations where those 3 exist together. it's amazing. (there's also usually a lot of dogs there :D icing on the cake!)

small group!

this group of people have become some of my best friends! i see some of them several times a week...we share life...we laugh...we cry...we pray. i made them promise not to forget me :)

-jason, brian, zach-
-erin, jess, tara-

-kyara, me, anna-

stores and the folks

i don't know what it is. but 90% of the time i call my folks, i'm in a store of some sort. usually its the grocery store, and we have to intermittently pause the conversation while announcements about current sales boom over the loudspeaker. it's hilarious...for the 1st year or so after i started doing it, frequent befuddled and frustrated inquiries came in the first few minutes of each conversation, "what is that noise? where are you? i can't hear you." but most of the time now, i get a calm "are you in the store?" and then i can sense the knowing smile on the other end of the line...
today was no exception. i walked into fred meyer to pick up In Style, Western Interiors and Martha's valentine's day issue (i only buy her holiday issues, just for the record)...i had an emotional but productive day at work and i was hell-bent on having a "me night": sushi to-go, magazines, and pajamas...and i just needed to talk to them. i get that feeling a lot. and i'm so grateful for it...for them.
the funny thing is that i can't multitask...not kidding...i seriously can't focus on picking out food or anything else while i'm talking. i get too into it...so i end up doing laps and laps around the store, weaving in and out of aisles without any clue which aisle i'm on at the time...dodging people, shopping carts, small children. it's weird, i know. just picture this...pacing, expressive hand gestures, and most likely tears at some point. i cry easily. i blame my mom. :)
so after pacing through fred meyer tonight for almost 1/2 an hour, i decided to just plop. on a couch. in the home department. and i put my feet up. HA.
flashback: my dad and i had an epic conversation several months ago, late at night while i was sitting in the patio furniture department. i just needed to be alone, and a rattan couch with cushion and a slate coffee table for my feet did the trick. i started getting the hint that i should leave when they dimmed the lights and started sweeping around my feet. ha.
anyway back to the story...tonight i cozied myself between two throw pillows and chatted away with mom. several people walked by, gave me a curious glance, and then moved on. nevermind them. i needed this for my soul :) after all, why do you put couches out if people aren't supposed to sit in them?? i'm just asking...
i don't know what it is about stores and my folks. this may sound strange but i feel as though i can have a very private phone conversation in a busy place like that. because everyone else is around but they're not paying attention to you. it's as if i find my own spot in the middle of a hurricane to verbalize my thoughts. don't know. but i love it. and it's our thing-phone calls from the store.

parties & friends

at a friend's party-me, tara, robyn, jennie-these girls have taught me so much about community over the last 4 months

sunday morning coffee tradition-robyn, me, kyara-10am,nervous nellie's-LOVE IT